Another NetMaxCock Price Increase. Because Even Streaming-Service Execs Deserve to Live Like Moguls.
Subj: Pricing Update (You Knew This Was Coming)
Hi Rusty,
Thank you for being a valued member and for trusting your family’s streaming needs to NetMaxCock. We hope you’re enjoying our many, many offerings. If you think we’re throwing everything we possibly can at you — hastily produced new series, remake after remake — you’re right. This is, after all, a quantity-over-quality game.
Starting with your next billing cycle, we are updating your monthly fee to $79.95 (pre-tax). We know this is a large increase from $24.95. But think of it this way. Instead of writing to you every few months and tacking on an additional $5, we figured we’d rip off the Band-Aid and gouge you all at once. Hopefully, you won’t need to hear from us with another “pricing update” for a while. (And if pigs had wings…)
You might ask, are we doing this simply to boost profitability so that Wall Street sends our stock to the moon and we all get to live like Hollywood moguls? Duh. However, we will use some of this additional money to keep you entertained in good times and bad. Fun fact: Studies show that Americans are more likely to reduce spending on lifesaving medications, college tuition and gluten-free bagels than cut back on TV and video entertainment.
Two new series premiering this spring underscore our commitment to offering you the very best entertainment that ludicrous amounts of money can buy. The first is the thrilling new reality series “Guillotine House,” where each week one contestant gets the Marie Antoinette treatment while the others continue their search for unconditional love. The second is a NetMaxCock Original Documentary series called “A Shit’s Journey,” which traces a single bowel movement through the New York City sewer system, ultimately finding its way to… Oops, almost spoiled it. All six episodes are scheduled to drop simultaneously.
As always, we’re here to help. Please use this link for any questions you may have. It will take you to a customer service page, which then asks what your inquiry is about, which then takes you on a lengthy and frustrating journey from link to link, which then lands you back at the original customer service page no closer to your answer.
We deeply appreciate (ahem) your continued support.
The NetMaxCock team